Love and sex: I tell you the biggest embarrassments of my life – 03/10/2024 – The Worst of the Week

Heloísa writes to me asking what “crazy things have you done for love and regret?” Thank you, Heloísa, for so many triggers on a Sunday morning.

My first embarrassing memory was going to the Corinthians fair to beg Alê Moreno for affection. He was on that Samba toy whose essence consists of you trying to remain seated while being drawn to the center of the circle to be humiliated and killed along with other people.

At the end of the experience, which brought profound vestibular changes, while burping to alleviate the nausea, I begged Alê Moreno for an explanation about his inability to commit to a true relationship.

We were 12 or 13 years old and our entire experience was summed up in a kiss without tongue at a party where we danced to “Never Tear Us Apart” by INXS, touching our shoulders with the tips of our fingers. Alê Moreno didn’t know what to say and held back a laugh, maybe he was a good boy.

At the end of the 20th century, I was a mix of a tubercular poet from the 19th century and a cyclothymic tiktoker from the 21st century. And because I fell madly in love with a boy called Cadu, who I thought looked like Tom Cruise when I was a teenager, he created and performed dances and songs at your classroom door.

I squeezed my uniform t-shirt to act as a microphone, revealing part of my obscene thinness. I knew this would further reinforce the bullying I already suffered for being strange and ugly, but I couldn’t stop. Being even more pathetic and crazy than expected gave me an addictive feeling of vertigo and freedom.

Carlos, my first boyfriend, and I had the goal of walking from my house in Tatuapé to my uncle’s house in Mooca to simulate sex on the stairs of block C. We knew that my uncle would be away at work, but the doorman knew us and let us in.

We would go to the stairs on the tenth floor, outside of the hours when a cleaner was collecting rubbish, and then, in the pitch black, he would sit on a step and I would fit into his basin. We stayed, in our clothes, kissing and simulating sex for an entire afternoon.

I remember with nostalgia my lower back, my knees, my adventurous spirit. Nowadays, if I tried to do something like that for half a second, I would need a hospital rescue that would include a stretcher and helicopter.

At 23, I found a kite-surfer boyfriend who was obsessed with Ilhabela. We almost always stayed at a mutual friend’s mansion and the place was, for my mediumship, a kind of portal.

I talked to the patriarch grandfather who died seven years ago and walked through the woods with the family’s recently deceased dogs. He begged us profusely to find a little inn, a little hotel, but there it was free and for 11 months, a period that lasted the strangest relationship I’ve ever had (I gave a lot of spiritual food to those ghost doggos).

I must have been about 29 years old when an Aquarius man broke up with me like picking teeth and I stuck my hand in his chest and kept pulling and pulling and saying “nothing, nothing, nothing, there’s nothing here, empty, empty, rotten, rotten “.

It was an important scene, I always use it to think that I’m better today, wherever I am: taking swabs in my nostrils to test for the tenth Covid, queuing at the registry office, stopping at Rebouças, bathroom floor I have a vasovagal crisis. I will forever be better after that day when I ripped the emptiness out of an Aquarius man’s chest.

At 33, I fell in love with a much older man who had been married for 20 years. He told his wife that he needed to live this great love, he told his children that he needed to live this great love and left his 400 square meter Rio apartment in front of the beach, moving, perhaps forever, to the 37 meter apartment where I lived in Pompeii, overlooking a Pão de Açúcar supermarket.

My modest home offered a single, tiny bathroom that was practically inside my bed, inside my brain. And he, as soon as he arrived to experience our infinite and torrid relationship, was struck by an intense nervous colitis that included massive, long, loud and abundant farts.

There were 16 days of this nervous man farting all day at my house and we ended up due to a scheduling incompatibility.

I think that’s fine for today. I’ll tell you more later, Heloisa.

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