Well, who calms you down like that? The psychologist named annoying words of consolation

How many times have you heard “everything is for the best” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”? These clichéd slogans are not only unrealistic, they are an example of so-called “toxic positivity.” These words devalue and depersonalize people’s emotions, traumas and problems, and sometimes cause shame and guilt. Nevertheless, they express them, as a rule, not out of malice, but because they cannot find the best words of support. What phrases are best avoided in such cases, aif.ru told psychologist Olga Romaniv.

“Everything that is done is for the better”

The reality is far from so rosy. This slogan can make a traumatic situation worse, and in some cases it can be downright funny. In certain situations – for example, during a breakup or unsuccessful job placement, these words can comfort someone. But please don’t say this to someone who is experiencing the loss of even a pet or any other traumatic event. You can still believe in miracles, goodness, magical unicorns, while at the same time recognizing that life is not limited to this – unfortunate accidents still occur.

“Think positively!”

Saying those two words is like giving a Band-Aid to someone with a compound fracture and walking away. These words are especially troubling for people who are depressed because they evoke shame associated with negative feelings. First you need to listen and try to understand the person’s feelings. It is useless to offer a solution without understanding what the person is going through. Moreover, in moments of crisis we may not be ready to seek these solutions. The best thing you can do is empathize.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

This slogan is actually inaccurate. And frankly, what doesn’t kill you can still have long-term negative consequences, making you more vulnerable. Trauma and the symptoms that arise from it do not make people stronger. The debilitating symptoms that are extremely difficult to cope with on a daily basis also persist. Strength is the decision to do whatever it takes to live the life you want to live.

“Everything will be fine”

Sometimes we really want to hear it, even if we know that no one can promise it. But for many people these words seem disparaging. This slogan is especially problematic if you throw it out too quickly when you don’t yet know all the facts of the situation. You can’t tell someone diagnosed with a serious illness that everything will be fine because you can’t be sure it’s true. This gives false hope.

“Appreciate what you have”

It is inappropriate to recommend gratitude as a solution to other people’s problems. Forced gratitude is not sincere or helpful in any case. Roughly speaking, these words encourage you to suppress your feelings and feel shame in connection with them. It is important to recognize, affirm and accept them as they are. Of course, it is important to appreciate and be grateful for your privileges in life, but no one is able to do this 24 hours a day, especially in times of crisis.